Does this concept appear incestuous? To the contrary, my message is for those individuals who unintentionally find themselves in a partnership with a mate whose qualities and character traits are similar to their parent. When couples are in conflict, family-of-origin hot buttons must be explored as a means of ferreting out troubling dynamics.
Most people are not aware, until a major conflict emerges, that they have married a partner whose behavior mirrors the dysfunctional behavior of their parent. New awareness and understanding may lead to the perplexing question, “Why in the world would I marry someone who is a representation of my father? I never liked the man then, nor do I now. He was abusive, emotionally unavailable, and continues to be a disturbing figure in my life.”
It is not unusual for people to repeat negative patterns which have emerged from childhood. Why is it that people tend to hang on, rather than let go of their negative baggage from childhood? Why is it that a partner will play out the same self-defeating behaviors in a relationship that trapped them as a child? The resolution of these questions is fundamental to one’s personal growth and development.
Individuals may either idealize or minimize the behavior of a dysfunctional parent. They may say, “My father had a bad childhood; he didn’t mean any harm; he did the best he could; I’ve learned to move on.” However, you know when people have let go of the past, because they are able to experience the full impact of the dark side of a parent’s behavior. Glossing over the negative side of behavioral patterns leaves us without resolutions and vulnerable to perpetuating unfinished business in our current partnerships. The pattern of self-defeating intergenerational behavior may unfortunately be projected onto our partner. What isn’t resolved from our history may rear its ugly head and make itself known in our present experience. We must see our parents for who they are, with all of their faults and frailties, before we can grieve our losses, forgive our parents for being less than perfect and moving forward with our relationships.
Often, an individual will “marry their parent.” in an attempt to fix that which was broken. It is not uncommon for a woman who has had an absent, self-medicating, and abusive father to gravitate toward men with the same behaviors. During childhood, kids with a dysfunctional parent may carry an illusion that they can fix the parent by performing to please. When their efforts at getting approval fail, they intuitively internalize their anger, believing that they must have been unlovable. This interpretation carries into adulthood as the partner tries once again to fix a mate who is a caricature of the father and is unfixable. In order for our intimate relationships to change, we must recognize that we may have a faulty “selector.” Our selection process of a mate is based upon the illusions which crystallize during childhood. Once we understand that the messes of childhood were not created by us, but rather our parents, we can then learn to love ourselves and grieve the fact that we were born into the wrong family.
We can’t fix anybody but ourselves. It is not our responsibility to try to change others. We must grieve our family history, fight the urge to try to change others, and surround ourselves with people who are soothing, nurturing, and affirming. We must believe that we deserve better from our relationships and set limits for what we want and need from our partnerships. Only then will we have the capacity to choose a partnership based upon mutual respect, love and commitment.
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC, CCBT is an author, freelance writer and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale. His personal growth book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.booklocker.com.
James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
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