I was delighted when Gary Graye invited me to do a guest post on the EveryTherapist blog.
My intention was to deliver something quite different; I wanted hopefully to evoke a response.
So I decided to create a fictitious case, one that would get you thinking, willing and eager to share you’re thoughts with the rest of us, depicting the potential ways in which you would work.
I do appreciate that some of you do not work with marriage and family issues but please take your self out of you’re comfort zone and contemplate the how’s, what’s, when’s, where for’s and possible why’s.
The Case
I met this couple for initial assessment, then after working individually for 3 sessions. I gathered the following information:
Let me first introduce the female, 48 years old, slightly over-weight, quite attractive, Good career in fashion, very independent, although she suffered with issues of low self esteem relating to the neglect she received from her husband.
Let me now introduce the male, 53 years old, over weight, not unattractive, socialized frequently without his wife (by choice on both parties) often had been described as a ‘binge drinker’ and the life and soul of the party.
He also suffered with low self esteem relating to an inferiority complex. Often feeling patronized and pre-occupied with thoughts of being an underachiever.
Describing his relationship as not 100% he said,
“Although we tend to get on well, we do not socialize together; she often puts me down in front of people”.
They had been married for 18 years and shared a 17 year old daughter.
Both were in managerial positions with the wife having a very high powered and well paid job. The result of which meant that she was further up the management ladder than her husband.
Often at the beginning of their relationship, debates or discussions concerning her work commitments would become heated. Until eventually this subject was avoided altogether.
Image meant a great deal to both of them, so there was a very big element of pretence about this couples relationship.
They presented to the world that they had a happy and loving marriage. Family and friends were in the dark about there troubles.
The wife disclosed she had had numerous affairs but had no intention of ending the marriage. “We all have needs” she explained.
She admitted she often did speak down to him criticizing his judgments, his opinions, in fact whenever she saw a belt she could not prevent her self hitting below it.
Instead of being truthful about her real feelings and irritations. She vented her anger and disappointments onto him at every opportunity.
The Catalyst…
2 yrs ago their daughter was attending a placement in New York City, something that was extremely important to the daughters pending career.
The arrangement was that Mother was to Chaperone her for 3 days then father was to take over for the remaining 5 days.
Father arrived at the hotel in New York drunk.
Mother was furious, daughter was disappointed. He carried on drinking for the whole of the 5 days.
5 days later Mother collected her daughter and left him in New York. Feeling rejected and ashamed. He was distraught.
Since this episode he had not drank at all, but he had suffered bouts of depression. During this time he made sure he was as helpful as he possibly could be. He took an active role in both his wife and daughter’s life.
He disclosed that he behaved like this to prevent his wife ending their marriage; he felt that his wife would not upset the family unit if she needed his support.
This is when they contacted me…
I want you to think about this case…
Where do you think the work lies?
What does this case mean to you?
How would you work with this couple?
THIS IS A FICTICIOUS CASE AND SHOULD BE USED FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY
Please leave your thoughts as to how you would deal with this situation in the comments box below.
Go on………………. don’t be shy.
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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Fun, Dawn. My husband is a doctor. He and his friends discuss fictitious and real cases over the web quite a bit and really enjoy themselves. Thanks for making this opportunity for us therapists.
The real work, seen from the point of view of The Emotional Pro (me!) is on opening these two to their own emotions. Whenever I see self-esteem issues, I know the underlying, predominant, emotion is anger (at self and other). I would teach this couple about anger and emotions, stressing that their individual close-down is based on the overall close-down they have long placed on their own emotions.
I would teach them how anger works, what causes it, what price we pay when we hold it inside, and how to release it without hurting the other person!
This would all be predicated upon some basic paradigms with which I work.
1) The Earth is a Giant School. We all have come here in order to learn, with each experience offering us an opportunity to learn. The individuals in this couple are attempting to teach themselves/each other things. If they embrace the learning and learn it, they can go on–immediately. If they don’t, they will repeat, ad nauseum, until the lessons are learned (with each repetition offering a harsher and harsher lesson!). Even if they were to quit this relationship and go to another, these lessons would not go away.
2) Marriage works well when “one complete, whole Unit” and “another complete, whole Unit,” come together to create “something more,” Unity. Each of them needs to work on their “Unit self” before attempting to repair the marriage (Unity). If they don’t, they won’t have the strength to offer the loving forgiveness (to self and other) that is needed in order to make the change.
3) The Principle is “Pay attention to what you want to become, not to what you want to overcome.” Hence, I would at all times encourage this couple to a) commit to making change; b) commit to the relationship–at least for a period of time; and c) commit to working with what they will/can do “from this moment on,” not taking time to go over the past at all. I would also stress that relationships are “for” learning, not for “holding on,” and that even if things don’t work out the exploration I am recommending will strengthen each so they can have sounder intimate relationships in the future.
This case demonstrates the sad situation far too many people in relationships are in. The relationship itself is based on shaky (surface) ground. The partners are not communicating with one another; they are not being real with one another. Neither is acting with integrity or being responsible to the relationship. (Integrity is one of the 7 Building Blocks of Self-Esteem, and Responsibility is another!)
As they also don’t deal with their own emotions (which are tools that “signal” us what actions we need to take), their relationship is expiring on the floor between them, no longer fed enough energy to survive for long.
I think it is great that they are reaching out for help. I believe they will need to be challenged as to their motive for doing so, however. Therapy will not work if they have come to the therapist just to get the blessing to end the marriage!
There are also 7 Skills of Love, which I would teach this couple also, giving them homework to practice such things as “wanting/getting to know the other,” and “honest caring.”
Depending upon the strength of their motivation, I think they likely have a good chance of salvaging this relationship, despite the many years of treating it badly!
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Perhaps neither one has any idea what a truly healthy, emotionally intimate, relationship feels like. Probably never had such intimacy with either parent, and never witnessed that closeness between parents either. First, an exploration of true intimacy… emotional “nakedness”, communication of fears and insecurities as well as strengths, true honesty, etc. … and establishing mutual agreement that such closeness is, indeed, a good thing, and a goal. Since both have been relatively content at the separateness — going to parties w/o the mate, and the distance the alcohol causes — that’s my bet. …. So, first establishing goals. Next, moving on to repressed anger. And, of course, action to support sobriety.
Hi,
Just have time this morning for a few quick thoughts on this case.
It seems close to the typical narcissist/dependent relationship. Very hurtful to all involved.
I’d start with a few boundaries like no drinking, no affairs, no undue criticisms, etc. Contain the anger and related behaviors.
Support the husband’s 2 yrs of sobriety, perhaps encourage AA, too. Assess him for potential psychiatric medication referral for his recurrent depressive episodes.
Find some mutually enjoyable activities, perhaps a “date night.”
Explore for ways that they (and probably wife in particular) sabotage intimacy. Throw in a few questions like “what would be wrong or threatening if the two of you were getting along well and feeling in love with one another.”
Improve ability to identify and appropriately express authentic feelings/needs/emotions.
I’d stay present-centered with this couple and stick to the basics for a long while. Despite having some degree of success in the world, the relationship is fairly “primitive” and fragile. Build on strengths, careful not to inflict too much narcissistic injury to wife, support and encourage husband’s efforts at emotional independence/growth.
Mike
I like to think of every couple as seeking intimacy, a sharing of each other’s heart. But as this case demonstrates, all couples who live together for a long time do not achieve that type of closeness (that I would have for them).
It would be tempting to suggest that each has emotional, behavioral and personality deficits that are a barrier to intimacy. But the assumption is that the couple are coming together to learn how to interact differently to create an improved relationship.
I would listen to what they want for the relationship briefly, then discuss how they could go about attracting the relationship they want. Typically, partners think of the marriage counselor as changing their partner, but I turn it around to suggest that they focus on how to attract the changes they want.
Often this means learning a vulnerable approach to negotiating for the type of relationship they want. I encourage couples to challenge their partner’s caring, then determine whether their partner does care.
This couple may be divorced, but have not announced it. This would be revealed in a lack of effort to show caring, a lack of enthusiasm for change, and maintaining a defensive stance that defends themself, not the relationship.